I quickly realized that my latest reply should be a post in and of itself. You see -- there are all these women out there (and even a young girl who searched for "Why is my mother unhappy") -- I think that we all need to realize that motherhood does not equate instant happiness.
Here is my reply to a response to that original posting:
First of all, thank YOU for being brave enough to comment...I get a LOT of hits on this page, and it's the rare person who comments.
I think that there are a lot of mothers out there with these same feelings -- we love our children, we really do, but it can seem as though something's missing. I hadn't been able to put a finger on it until I started blogging...what's missing is knowing that it's NORMAL to feel this way. You hear me? N-O-R-M-A-L
Ironically, I'm also very introverted. It will take a lot to get me to open up in public unless I'm very comfortable with the people I'm around. That's slowly changing with wisdom (or is it just age??) Everyone else was so into things that I'm not. Throwing lavish b-day parties for my kids, caring about the clothes that I wear, or the house I live in or the car I drive.
I mean...really...WHO FRIGGEN CARES???
I don't care. I don't care if they like me...quite frankly, I don't care if YOU like me (no offense meant)...I'm tired of being someone else to please everyone else...and really, when you're trying to be a "happy mother" who are you trying to please; you or society?
In deciding to start caring about myself, I found something -- I like me...I may not like my faults, but they are part of me, and I LIKE ME. I am not happy all day long, I'm not always nice, I'm not the most popular person out there...but guess what...I'm happy now.
I think that the saddest thing about all of this is that it's taken me more than 30 years to come to this realization. I do not need to change who I am for other people to like me. It's okay for other people to not like me. Even more - I'm okay with the fact that other people don't like me! For as long as I can remember, I would go around and be different "hethrs" for different people. There was the funny hethr, the cool hethr, the smart hethr, the tomboy hethr, the hethr who liked to party...etc... But none of those hethrs were me.
I am me. I like me, warts and all. That's what matters.
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4 comments:
Love it. Love the truth of it, and the honesty.
I agree, we want to be and do everything. The perfect friend, mother, wife, employee etc. etc.
It's hard to be comfortable with ourself when we feel judged (be it positive or negative). This is the biggest thing that holds me back...fear of judgement. I am not friends with any of my daughters friend's moms because I fear their judgement.
I too am not always happy with my children...love them, yes...like them, not always. It's true though, being a parent isn't easy, but it does have it's rewards.
Wow Hethr, I never read the original post, I think I get the gist from your response to a comment here. I think you are saying things that people really need to hear M'A. Following the birth of my son I experienced post natal depression. At least that is what they called it! I just call it depression because I believe I was depressed during my pregnancy, before it and even before my marriage, during my engagement. The reasons for that I will not go in to here. However its amazing what a blessing in disguise unhappiness can be. Why?? because we have 2 choices, either to allow that unhappiness define us, or to rediscover our own selves and reconnect with our state of joy from which we have become detatched. Wow that sounds impossible right? But I promise all my sisters that the only person who can make you happy is YOU. I could go on for ages and ages! but I feel I ought to stop now, but if anybody wants to ask me a question about what on earth I am talking about - you are welcome to message me :)
Asalaamu Alaikum
Yes you have to be yourself.I think I always have been but as I get older even more so. Its probably the reason I have no friends really because I don't play the "game". You know the one women play to make everyone happy but never themselves. ie yes your dress looks lovely(then afterwards telling everyone you hate it)or yes I'll volunteer and then back out or complain to the whole world. I say no whenever I don't want to do something, always have but that's not how to play the game so I've always been shunned for that. I'm not your go to person. Heck I've got 10 kids of my own to take care of , get over it. If you ask if I like your dress I'm going to tell you the truth in a nice way but don't expect me to lie. I think its cuz I grew up with brothers so we always told it to each other straight! Do you see men trying to be people pleasers? Hardly! No one will ever be pleased with you so no use trying to please them. People even hate me for having a big family. HOw is it their problem? Sorry to ramble.
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Please comment, please. It makes me feel good, and well -- a woman just likes to feel good every now and then. I may not agree with your comment, it may even tick me off and make me want to delete it...but comment anyway and make my day.