Oh how you frustrate me, let me count the ways...

So, school's back in.  I have 2 more chapters to read, 2 assignments to do and 1 quiz to finish -- which evidently brings out the crazy in my family! So, instead of logging onto my school's website, I am here -- sipping a cup of hot coffee and preparing to write about *insert suspenseful music here* my teen.

Apparently, I can't call him a teen for much longer...he's a whopping 6 weeks away from his 18th birthday, which in the province that I'm living in, magically turns him into an adult.

Here's the deal though -- he's frustrating, stubborn, foolish, inept, blind to reality and ... well...pretty much a normal teen.

Let me tell you the story -- He's always been....likable.  He's always found others to like.  When we lived overseas, this wasn't a problem as there was a boys school and a girls school (not to mention the fact that he was just 12...not a big deal)....then we come back to Canada and he goes to a school that's mixed *gasp* and he falls in love with every girl who bats her pretty little eyes at him.

No joke.  He LOVES them.  He doesn't think about anything else but them.

But -- I digress -- we make it (barely) through his junior high years and slip and slide through the high school years.  There have been arguments, there have been explosive arguments, there have been bags packed, there has been animosity and hurt and fear and emotional pain on all sides.  Whatever, it is what it is.

At the end of last school year (grade 11 for him) he was once again, IN LOVE.   This time, he was going to marry her.  All we heard about was her...and we just rolled our eyes and nodded our heads.  (I should note here that Islamically, we are not supposed to have boyfriends/girlfriends - rather if someone is interested they should make their intentions known and the couple can meet together within acceptable boundaries and move on from there if it seems to be a good match -- not going into that here, but needless to say, we tried to convince him that what he was doing wasn't "kosher" with us, so to speak)  Anyhow -- as we suspected the relationship fell apart -- but dear teenager was so upset that he punched a stop sign in frustration.

That's right -- she called it off, he punched a stop sign...and to be a little more accurate, the pole of the stop sign.

This brilliant move resulted in a broken hand.  He and his brilliant friends see the knuckles of his hands in places where they shouldn't be and decide to pull on his fingers to "put them back".

Picture from http://sivers.org/high-school which also has an interesting article

Yeah...you read that right.

So -- I get a call from him in the hospital explaining the whole situation.  *let's just insert a le sigh right here, please*

We get over it, he gets a cast (and a booking for impending surgery) and life goes on.  In his case, it goes on quickly - because he's now engaged to another girl.

That's right folks -- you read that right too...the plaster of his cast was barely dried (okay -- a little exaggeration there, but not my much) and he's ENGAGED to another girl...as in not the girl he got upset about and punched a sign over.  As in, a different girl entirely.  As in...WHAT???

But -- he loves her, and they're going to get married as soon as they've graduated high school (so about 9 more months now)....and get this "he's a man now and I need to face that fact." Yikes.

Any parents of teens out there??  Am I the only one who thinks this is just a little whacko??

Judge not lest ye be judged

So I've written many times about my struggle with keeping my teen on a straight path. He's a tough cookie, and stubborn (don't know where he gets that from)...but deep down, he's a good kid.

Then it came. Freedom. I'm not going to get into the details but suffice it to say, I lived through them myself at his age.

This is what's sad though. All my life with him, I have touted again and again the importance of getting your education. "Don't be a drop out like me!" are words that I've said thousands upon thousands of times.

Yet, day after day, I get reports of him failing to show up at school. I've talked to the teachers, I've talked to the counselors...and at this point they're saying "he has to make the decision."

I get that -- I really do. But the problem is that he won't make a good decision. He will make the huge, epic, failure of a decision that I made at his age.

We've had a touch and go relationship since the last blow up when he left home -- and facebook was my way of keeping tabs on him. Today I made the mistake of commenting on his status which was something like "F****ing kids..all talk, talk, talk, with nothing to back it up. F***** faggots" (or something to that effect. Yeah...proud moment for this mama. So I let him know it. I responded with "Wow. A drop out and now a bully....boy am I proud. :("

He removed me from his friends list.

I know it's pathetic, but I was really hoping that we'd be able to reconnect. We'd have some serendipitous moment of togetherness where we'd sing and dance together and flowers would rain down on us as God smiled on our reunited and happy family.

I know it wasn't likely to happen. But good God...I raised him better than that! I did not raise him to be a racist, I did not condone his rude and belligerent behaviour. This is not the child that I raised!!

It really hit me today -- reading that lovely little status of his. I used to see people on the news; people who'd been harmed by someone shouting at the offender's family "What did you do to him? Why is he this way?" And I'd judge. I'd sit there in the comfort of my TV with the remote in my hot little hand, and I'd judge those families. She must never have held him. They must never have told him they loved him. I bet they were never even around and he was left to fend for himself.

Well -- now it's time to be judged. I am the mother of a delinquent. Oh -- he may not have done anything illegal (yet) and he may never...but he is a delinquent all the same. Disrespectful, rude and ignorant -- and completely opposite of the child that I raised.

Where did I go wrong?

A look back at 2009

So, I decided that I should look back at this year. A reminder of all of the good as well as all of the bad.

First there was school. Though I technically started in the Fall of 2008, it was about this time of year that I got my official marks. I'm a keener, an over-achiever and very likely the most competitive person that you know. My biggest fear was failure. I was, after all, a high school drop out. I am happy, and yes, very proud, to admit (= brag) that I have a GPA of 4.0. Can't get better than that!

Then there's family. My baby turned one, began walking and talking. 2 of my 3 children are off at school (and are competitive keeners like me!). My husband was promoted. The relationship between my stepson and I deteriorated. Stepson left the house, sick of our rules. Though we see him every so often, the relationship between us all (with the exception of Stepson and Baby) is very, very strained. One day, he will see the reasons behind everything, but until then, we live as the evil, unrelenting parents.

There was the walk for Cancer. I walked all night. It was tiring, and by the time the sun rose and the closing ceremony was finished, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. But even though there were so many of my family members lost to Cancer, it was surprisingly cheerful. The time spent with my Aunt, Mother and cousins was important to me. I'm glad I did it.

I learned to knit. To some, this is an "old lady" thing, but I don't care. Knitting was something that my grandmother did, and I always wanted to learn. She died when I was in grade 6. The yearly gifts of slippers and scarves came to an end. No one picked up those needles to carry on her tradition. Years have gone by and I learned how to knit. Months of searching the internet for patterns finally yielded a pattern as close to grandma's that I could find. Slippers soon came. My family all have matching slippers - some better than others as I tweaked the pattern to my liking. I know that my husband thinks that I'm nuts. I've had many people say to me "why don't you just buy them from the dollar store". But, what they don't understand is that I feel connected to her again...I envision her in my mind...rocking in her chair, her knitting basket next to her as she watched Coronation Street and pretended to listen to my grandfather's ramblings. I miss her terribly, and it's my way to remember.

I got a new cat. Well, some would call him a mountain lion, but he's a giant, lovable fur-ball. Alviss appeared on my friend's Facebook page...needing a home. I helped out. Little did I know that the picture of the gray ball of fluff would turn out to be a 20lb cat! He's huge. He's beautiful. He's cuddly. What more can I ask for?? (okay, he could shed a little less, but beggars can't be choosers, can they?)

I had the most horrible daycare experience ever. A family who was here wasn't happy that I had terminated care. The child was fabulous, the mother was fabulous, the father....an Ass. They were happy with everything, but when I could no longer put up with the father's BS, I terminated care. They, after having had their daughter in care for over a year, accused me of neglect, claimed my home was filthy and, in general, did their best to bring me down. One thing about always doing the right thing, you know that the truth will prevail, but while the truth is busy being detected by child welfare and all the other crap that goes around that....it's stressful. I am still very bitter and very resentful of that whole situation. I genuinely love and care for all the children that are in my Daycare, and their false accusations have left scars.

I had a visit from the very first child ever to be in my dayhome! Funny, how you don't expect these children to age. Wonderful that he jumped out of that van, shouted "Heather!!" and ran to give me a huge bear hug (he's now almost as tall as I am). Sad that he had to leave.

I got a new family in dayhome. They are wonderful. They are fun, sarcastic, witty and real. I am very grateful that they came. Really good dayhome families are a rare gem. This is one of them. I also have a very good friend bringing her child to my dayhome. The fact that we are able to keep our business and friendship as two separate entities is amazing.

Fond memories were made. A rainy holiday in Drumheller. A town full of churches. A visit to Heritage Days and being trapped in a rainstorm. That is one that I never wrote about. The downpour that we went through, arriving to our car dripping as if we'd gone fully clothed into a swimming pool only to have the rain stop minutes after getting inside. It was at first, irritating, quickly overwhelming and soon hilarious. I came home that day to blog about it (once I had dried off and warmed up) only to discover that there was a woman who had died in that very same storm while at the Big Valley Jamboree. Suddenly, it wasn't something to write about.

There were the fun times the kids had with their grandmother. There were all of the great things that my daycare children have said. There were the debates with friends, and a few with strangers. Though I started this blog as a way of putting down the odd and silly thoughts that run through my head, mostly for the amusement of my friends and family to read -- I have come to the realization that there are people from all over the globe (well, so far, just North America) coming here searching for advice, or maybe just confirmation of their innermost feelings.

Everything is a lesson. Best wishes to you and yours, my readers, for a happy 2010!

defeat

As a person who doesn't like to give up, this is possibly the hardest post I've ever made. I am sad to say that the relationship between stepson, his father and myself has broken down to such a sad point that, at this time, I don't see how it can be repaired.

He left our home about 3 weeks ago. There was a serious incident that occurred, and it was something that we have experienced time and again. We were continually told that it would never happen again, and yet, it did. There is only so much that one can take. You know that old saying "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." That's the situation that we're left with...but the hardest thing is, at what point do you give up on your child?? At what point do you say, "this is a problem without a solution?"

I feel like a failure. I want to be there for him. He's making such mistakes that I know are going to cause him hurt and pain and suffering. Yet, he can't see it. The guilt that his father feels is indescribable.

I think that the reason that I feel like such a failure is the fact that I've been where he is. Not exactly the same situation, but close enough to know what lies ahead for him. If he goes back to school, I'll be shocked. If he stays in school, I'll eat my words.

I don't know where to go from here, a place I've never envisioned myself being in, and a place I really don't want to be.

You're So Vain...

Yup, that's right. You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about You. Well, sweetie, it isn't. After all of You're lies and deceit, after all of the manipulating and denial...I'm not taking any more. I know that You think that I was blind to it all. Fact is, I wasn't. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I gave you a chance, you'd see the wrong that You were doing and the hurt that You were causing, but it seems that You, in fact, are the one who is blind.

Yup, that's right, You are still wandering around looking for another person to blame. Can't you see the bridges that You've burned? It so saddens me that You are unable, or more likely unwilling, to change the path that You are on.

The reason that I'm so worried, is because I've been there myself. I've walked that precarious slope that You are clinging to. I've been too stubborn to admit defeat and ask for help. I've been too stubborn to admit that I was wrong an apologize. Eventually, I turned myself around, but at what cost?? Certainly a lot more than I care to think about. There are years gone that I'll never get back.

And now, it seems that You are teetering on this same dark fate. Sad fact is that You have hurt me and broken my trust too many times for me to forgive. It looks like I must let you walk out on Your own, watch you face the demons that I know are lingering in the shadows (or sometimes not, sometimes they are disguised as beacons of hope) and hope that eventually, You will come back to your senses and realize what You've done.

Until then, I wish You the best and truly hope that Your journey is one that You will survive. I know that you will be wounded, but I pray that You will be able to come back to reality, likely scarred, but at least here.

Laundry overload

So, as has been well noted on here, I have a teenage son. As any normal teenager...he tends to get a bit dirty -- big deal, right??

I happen to have a bit of a laundry schedule. As some of my friends have noticed, I'm a bit anal about it. In fact, one friend in particular has labeled me as OCD in the laundry department. I, personally, have developed a system whereby I do a little bit of laundry every day rather than spending a full day or two doing 5 people's dirty clothing, bedding, towels and what-nots. This OCD laundry schedule ensures that everyone's clothing is washed every week. To break it down nice and simple, I have labeled certain days of the weeks as "colors"....so on Monday I was blue stuff, on Tuesday it's black, Wednesday is white, Thursdays are brown/yellow and Fridays are pink. Weekends are reserved for jeans and towels. I also stick bedding in there for each of the family members too....we each have our "day" that our bedding gets washed. Yes....I'm anal about it!!

Anyhow --- back to the point of the post. Wednesday = whites. Please tell me, how on God's green earth does ONE teenager wear 16 pairs of socks!?!

Seriously SIXTEEN!! And those were just the ones that I could match up into pairs!!! He also had 5 singles that were without a mate and 7 that I threw away because they had holes in them. All in all that becomes TWENTY TWO PAIRS of socks!!! That's more than 3 pairs of socks a day!

No word of a lie folks...I've got the pictures to prove it!

School + Motherhood = Unhappy family

Taking care of three kids is a lot. Taking care of a teenager is a lot more (see posts below). Then I have the in-home daycare, with an additional 2 children (and one more next month)...people already think I'm nuts. However, apparently, that wasn't enough for me...no, no, no....I had to go and add school to the rest of it.

In my own defense, I didn't think that the diploma that I am going for was going to be all that hard. Boy, was I wrong! This course is detailed and in-depth! I'm talking about "explain how playing with play dough helps the cognitive, social, and emotional development of children". Yowzers, it's play dough for heaven's sake!

However, already 3 courses into it (with something like a bazillion more to go!), I'm happy to say that not only do I find the work interesting, I'm reveling in the challenge of it (and getting A's while I'm at it!). The rest of my family is not so thrilled.

The laundry is neglected. There is dust on the furniture. There have been many nights of "cereal for supper". And the worst possible thing of all, they actually have to do some things....themselves!!

Oh, the horror!!

"Sort my own laundry?" daughter whines, "but I don't know how!" Well hon, you're 8, I'll help you learn.

Hubby grumbled at the thought of making his own lunch. He actually balked at being told that he'd need to watch baby while I was away at school (I go for 1 Saturday a month). "What if he poops?" I tell him he'll have to deal with it the same way that I do, and secretly feed the baby things that I know are going to stink the next day, like mashed potatoes and gravy! (hey, I've been changing diapers for 8 years.....let me have my fun!)

Middle son is so independent that he was just like "whatever". Why can't they all be like that??

Step son --- well....he's got his own issues. Besides, he won't be happy today when I hand him a stack of assignments the teacher emailed me, then I'm dropping him off at the library...oh no...the Library on Spring Break! I am an evil, evil, step mother!!

Check Mate

So, the saga of the standoff continues. This wonderful step-son of mine continues his precarious walk on the tightrope of teen years. Why is it that it seems the trouble that I got into as a teen is nothing compared to his?

Anyhow, the lies go on. Funny how he thinks that he can lie without being caught. Saturday was my mother-in-law's birthday. We have a gathering of her children and grandchildren...all of whom are there with one exception...Step Son can't make it. According to him, it's his half-brother's birthday, and if we had only given him "advance notice" he might have been able to make it. Interesting...because last time I looked, we live in a house, not an office, however, I will keep in mind to send him a CC next time an event is planned.

As I was busy preparing the meal (salmon, rice and asparagus, YUM!), I just shook my head and sighed, figuring I'd deal with the issues later. It wasn't until my brother-in-laws started popping in that I thought...."hey, why is this the first year that I've heard about Step Son's brother's birthday being on the same day as my mother-in-law's?"

The proverbial light bulb went off.

Hubby texts the ex. Nope, no party over there, she's not feeling well and wouldn't have him over that night anyhow.

And so, the texting craze begins.

• Let me begin a side note to this story --- back in the day (you know you're old when you begin a story with those words)...back in the day when I was a child, there was no such thing as cell phones. Well...yes, there were...but they were for business men and presidents only. No child carried around a cell phone. Oh, and we actually used those things sticking out of the bottom of our body to get places...they are called your own two feet! I also know that I probably said like, a lot of like, annoying things to like, my parents --- but there is nothing worse then getting a message that says "I went 2 C a mooV. B back l8tr" That was an honest-to-God note that step son left me once.

Back to the texting....Hubby sends him a text, Brother-in-law sends him a text...and I'm sure his mother was too. He replies back with something real smart like "why can't you just let me be with my friends? You've already ruined my life!!"

Now, I realize that sitting and having cake with your grandmother isn't exactly a teenager's top choice of things to do on the weekend. However, couldn't he have just said "hey, I'd rather hang out with my friends"? I mean, why the Big lie? What advantage does such a thing do? It's not like we would have forced him to stay home....Likely we would have said "okay, but could you at least wait until she gets here to say happy birthday?"

So....since we've all done such a good job of "ruining his life" ... he doesn't come home. Instead he calls the next morning to say "uh...sorry, I just fell asleep."

Problem was, it was too late. I'd already had enough and decided to do a little housecleaning. Since I'd already cleaned the rest of my house (okay, not the toilets, but I'm getting to them), I decided to work on his room. Little did I know what I was in for.

I found seven, yes SEVEN full packages of gum. One was in his shoe, another behind a book, some in a bag.....How can one person have seven unopened packs of gum and not know where they are?? I also discovered that the kid has an Axe Deodorant in every drawer that he has. I found homework from grade 7 (he's in grade 10), I found lyrics to songs and raps. I found clean and dirty clothing, I found pictures, I found awards. I found nearly a dozen empty bottles of pop/water/juice, and an entire 2L bottle of Orange juice under his bed. I found the headphone and speaker set for my computer (which I was frantically looking for when i was supposed to participate in my Audio class for school, damn kid!). I found 1/2 package of cookies, a half eaten package of Ichiban noodles, and some molding banana bread that my step mother gave him. I found three unopened containers of applesauce.

But...the "big" find was in a gift bag under his bed. I found a sparkly blue gift bag (that I recall my mother giving him his birthday gift in)...except, it was devoid of any birthday gift. Instead it had all variety of condoms...ribbed, thin, sensitive...uh...can't recall the rest. Now...on one hand, this scares the crap out of me....and you do that silent prayer that I think any parent of a teen in such angst seems to say "please, don't let them be having sex!!!" On the other hand, I'm thinking....well, if he is, at least it's safe.

This is not a dilemma that I want to be in.

The great room clean went on, if a little more cautious about the things that we'd find. In the end, we had 4 large garbage bags of garbage, 2 recycle bags, and 1 large bag full of old clothes. His room is now stripped of it's posters and memorabilia, he'll get it back when he deserves it.

He came home not long after we'd finished hauling the last of the bags to the trash. He was shocked, but knew he deserved it.

Truth is, if he acts up again, I don't know what to do next! There are no more tricks up these sleeves!!

Thoughts and Comments

Well, I didn't realize what a pot of emotions I would stir by telling the world of my...err...shall we say "troubles" with step son. Let's just say that I've received a lot of feedback through private emails -- some messages offering encouragement, some filled with humor, and even a few filled with fear for their soon-to-be teens....but the ones that tugged at my heart the most were the messages filled with despair and lost hope.

Let me say this - DO NOT GIVE UP.

Teenagers are a finicky bunch. Too old to be a child, but too young to be an adult. They are stuck in a life of awkwardness, misunderstandings and backstabbing. They turn on one another as quickly as they turn their backs on you. As a parent, you are the ultimate "uncool" thing around.

Here's a newsflash for all you teens out there (or, at least my Stepson and future teens)....I am not here to be your friend. Moreover, I do not care if you think I'm cool.

It surprises me the number of people who want to be friends with their kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't want to be on friendly terms with my kids, that's far from it. I want my kids to trust me, I'd like for them to confide in me, but they also have to know that I am their mother. You'd better believe that I'll give them hell if they deserve it. I will embarrass, I will punish, I will take away privileges -- and I will not be ashamed to do so.

The thing is, they are looking for love and acceptance, and as a parent, that's the best we can give -- however, this love and acceptance that they're seeking isn't from us. This, I think, is another mistake that many parents make. Believe me when I say that I love and accept my step son. The kid has sure given me a hard time, but I still love him! The point is, they are looking for this love and acceptance from their peers....even the popular kids are worried about it. We all went through teenage-hood...why are we so quick to forget??

I guess that what I'm saying is don't let your kids drag you down. Pick your fights...let some of their moodiness pass as if it didn't even exist. They will eventually out grow it.

In saving the best for last, this is a tidbit of one of the messages that I got in the last 24 hours...boy, did this ever resonate with me: "Try to keep in mind that the person they are at this age usually has nothing in common with the adult they will become!"

And so the stand off begins!

Well...it's been a while...long enough that I don't even remember the last time that I posted (and honestly, am just too bloody lazy to go back and look!). Anyhow, things in my home have been....interesting.

First, I had a baby (I think I may have posted that)....he's a year old now. So, I am now the mother to 4. These children include a 16 yr old step son (the reason for this post), an 8 yr old daughter, a 5 yr old son, and the 1 yr old baby. Sometimes I wonder about myself!

Anyhow, as if having a baby and running an in-home daycare wasn't enough of a challenge, I also decided to register for school (again, another possible blog post there!). I'm now in Red Deer College studying for my Early Learning and Child Care Diploma. I'm about 6 months into a 4 year course. Again...sometimes I wonder about myself.

Anyhow...onto the reason for this post. My step son and I have had a rocky relationship from the start. We are both Scorpios, and though, in my faith we are not supposed to believe in these things....each of us has the traits of a Scorpio....stubborn, quick temper, and a long, long memory! Not necessarily the best thing when the two of us are put together. We tend to either get along really well...or tolerate each other for the sake of the rest of the family.

Well, he's now reached the ripe old age of 16...you know, the age when they know everything?!? Well, apparently he's so brilliant, that he no longer needs to attend the first period in school. That's right, the kid who never had to try to get good marks in math, figured he could continue to slide and continue to breeze through the class.

Yes, we hassled him. Yes, we tried everything....spraying him with water (sounds bad, but it woke him up), Taking the phone away, setting an alarm and hiding it in his room.....all of these things and many more....and none of them worked. Wait, let me rephrase that. They worked....he would wake up....he just wouldn't go to class.

Then, when we'd ask "why weren't you at school on time?"...the wonderful reply that we'd receive was, "I was at school, I just didn't go to class." *insert the patience of Moses here*

By this time, I have given up. I decided that it wasn't worth the stress and the effort. I'd talked to him, I'd tried to reason with him, I'd tried to be his friend, I'd tried being a female dog about it.....nothing worked. I decided it's for his mother and father to work out, and I would just keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself (and, if you know me, keeping opinions to myself is not an easy task!!).

Well....it all came to a head this week. Schools are much more savvy than they were when I went.....they now send report cards to the parents via e-mail in a PDF file. Fabulous. We got his report card on Monday....the class which he's been "too smart" to attend he got an average of 21%. No, that is not a typo. My stepson...the one who regularly got in the 80% has a whopping 21% average in math. Needless to say, we weren't impressed. However, I stuck to my promise to keep it zipped. And I did.

The next morning, when it was blatantly obvious that he would be late again, hubby get's serious. This usually means shouting that leads to nothing but resentment. This, however, was a different case. Instead of going and shouting, he went to the tool room and grabbed a drill. He took the room darkening shades off of step son's window. Then, he got a hammer, and proceeded to take the door off it's hinges. The whole time, he did not say one word.

"What about my privacy?!" shrieks step son.

Hubby turns around and says "You'll have privacy when your marks are acceptable" and walked away.

Step son got ready and left for school....brooding the whole way. But, guess what?? Today, he was out of the door on time.