Dear Body

Though I would like to thank you for the wonderful years of service you have provided me thus far, it is at this time that I feel that it is necessary to file a formal complaint.  You see, there are a number of issues and breakdowns that have been occurring over the last few months, and I feel that you are not holding up to your end of the bargain (which, I thought was to carry me through my life and do as I wished).

The first failure I have been dealing with for quite a few years now.  Namely, bladder control, or to be more precise, the lack thereof.  Ever since you helped me to carry my children to term, I have been unable to do the following things without a little leakage:  Cough, run, jump, skip, or drink too much tea at night.

The second failure is my eyes.  I know i haven't taken you to an eye doctor for more than a year, but that's no excuse to make my eye sight fail like a straw house in a tornado.  I've needed glasses for some time, but we both know the pain that they cause...so I tried to be nice to you by only wearing them when we really needed them, like reading or driving.  And how do you repay this kindness?  By making everything blurry!

The gray hair and wrinkles I can accept, but can you do anything about the wiry grays that are so unruly?  What about these freakishly long eyebrow hairs that seem to sprout overnight?  Do you think that those could stop any time soon?  And the wrinkles -- please!  Would you mind easing me into these things?  Yesterday, I looked in the mirror and saw a smooth, young face, today there's lines and wrinkles all over!  What gives?

I'm happy to work with you on many issues.   For example,  I'll trade you bladder control for periods, or sleepless nights for hot flashes.  Do we have any wiggle room here?

Thanks,