Jan 27, 2011

Therapy Sessions

When I write, it is for therapeutic purposes, though it may be interesting, funny, or offending - the main reason behind me picking up a pen plunking away at my key board is to get whatever's bothering me out.  I need to have an outlet, and this is my chosen outlet.

So, first thing's first: If you don't like it, why do you bother to read it?

Second - With the exception of Mr. Delusional and my children, I don't ever name names.  Period.

I'm going to write about something that's been bugging me a lot lately.  No names, No descriptors as to who each individual may be.  But I need to get this off of my chest.

Everyone has a few branches on their family tree that they'd like to prune....not that there's anything wrong with those people, perhaps it's just a clash of personalities.  Whatever it is, I'm sure you can relate.

I have a family member who likes to make "mountains out of molehills" -- In an effort to save my sanity, I have very limited contact with her - I simply don't have the time and patience to constantly sooth her trivial needs.

I have a family member who I would consider to be on the extreme end of the religious spectrum.  I also limit my time with her - saves arguments from happening.

I have another family member who has had a sketchy past, I'll not go into details, but let's just say that she burned the bridge that connected her to me (or was it me who struck that match?).  So be it.

However, now this family member is at a point in her life where there is a lot of good coming her way. I think that's great.  Other family members are happy for her.  I think that's great too.

So what's the problem??  For the life of me, I cannot be happy for her.  I just feel as if there's this dark, looming presence on the horizon....I'm waiting for that other shoe to drop.

My head, my schooling, and some family members tell me that I need to give her another chance....but in my heart, I just can't.  And I can't even explain it more than that.  I just can't.

So why is this a big deal?  Because now, when I visit our mutual family, I have to put on a facade of caring....so I no longer visit.  I'm not comfortable listening to them talk and rave about how wonderful everything is - inside I'm screaming "Did you all forget what she's done?"  You see, I have this fatal personality flaw - it's called vengeance.  I rarely forgive, and I never, never, ever forget. 

I simply can't bring myself to do it.  They can be happy for her for me.  I hope and pray that the changes in her life stay this time, but I still want nothing to do with her.  I'm sorry that that hurts you, but I absolutely refuse to apologize for the way that I feel.

They called me stubborn, so be it, I am.  I call it protecting my family, without her around I know that they are safe.



Erin said...

You have every right to feel the way you do, to protect your family and yourself. Great for them if they can forgive her, but if you were to pretend you felt the same would be untrue and unfair.

Anonymous said...

You know how I feel. When a strong family bond is broken, your heart will ache. It is like grief. You have to lean on those around you.

I told you to write it out.... that's just the person you are. Whether you choose to post it on here or not, writing is what you do!

Remember what I said, you wouldn't hurt so much, cry, despise, and feel such feelings if you weren't such a caring person. Forget what they say. The Heder I know - - is not who they know. It is their loss and our gain!

NanLT said...

You know this may seem to be completely off topic, but bear with me.

Two years ago, the school where my sons attend was inspected and deemed to be a very shaky satisfactory (just one 1/2 step away from being deemed unsatisfactory and being put under a measure to improve). Two months ago the inspectors came back to look at the school again.

We have made some incredible improvements these past couple years. We have a stronger leadership team in place under the head teacher. I have been pulling the governing body together.

This time around, we also got a rating of satisfactory. The inspectors noted the improvements which had been made, but....
until we can show that those improvements can be sustained, we won't get the better rating.

I suspect things are like this with your particular relative. It's not enough to say -- oh look what good things she's doing in her life now. You've got to see proof that she can continue in this line and sustain these positive changes for a length of time.

And yep, I've got family like that as well. That's one of the better things about moving 4000 miles away from them.

Tina.S said...

Been there, still there and I feel the exact way you do

Anonymous said...

I exactly understand where you're coming from...
and I'm so glad that you talk about and don't care about her rather than letting the past and her actions break you down..
I've had the same thing...lets just say I became family with her 'after my marriage'..and I always opened my heart to her and gave her my best..and all I got was bull in return..she hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me and even came between my husband and I...
and now...well things are just lovely for her...she's expecting and everything is perfect- good for her...but honestly I'm tired of pretending to care because I honestly don't give a rats ass
anyway..I totally get what you just wrote
and yes, I always thought about what she's done to me and hurt myself more..but the better attitude is to just not care the way you do.
Sometimes, the things people do scar you so much that no matter how 'good' things get between the two of you...you will always look at them with eyes that have seen what they are capable of..and it will NEVER be the same.
UGHHHHHH i feel like kicking some ass lol

Oh well, inshaAllah we'll get our reward in jannah for dealing with all this crap and 'pretending to care'.

Kylie's Mom said...

I think you can be happy for a person's good fortune, but that doesn't mean that you have to forgive and forget everything that has happened in the past. That just sounds foolish.

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