defeat

As a person who doesn't like to give up, this is possibly the hardest post I've ever made. I am sad to say that the relationship between stepson, his father and myself has broken down to such a sad point that, at this time, I don't see how it can be repaired.

He left our home about 3 weeks ago. There was a serious incident that occurred, and it was something that we have experienced time and again. We were continually told that it would never happen again, and yet, it did. There is only so much that one can take. You know that old saying "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." That's the situation that we're left with...but the hardest thing is, at what point do you give up on your child?? At what point do you say, "this is a problem without a solution?"

I feel like a failure. I want to be there for him. He's making such mistakes that I know are going to cause him hurt and pain and suffering. Yet, he can't see it. The guilt that his father feels is indescribable.

I think that the reason that I feel like such a failure is the fact that I've been where he is. Not exactly the same situation, but close enough to know what lies ahead for him. If he goes back to school, I'll be shocked. If he stays in school, I'll eat my words.

I don't know where to go from here, a place I've never envisioned myself being in, and a place I really don't want to be.

You're So Vain...

Yup, that's right. You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about You. Well, sweetie, it isn't. After all of You're lies and deceit, after all of the manipulating and denial...I'm not taking any more. I know that You think that I was blind to it all. Fact is, I wasn't. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I gave you a chance, you'd see the wrong that You were doing and the hurt that You were causing, but it seems that You, in fact, are the one who is blind.

Yup, that's right, You are still wandering around looking for another person to blame. Can't you see the bridges that You've burned? It so saddens me that You are unable, or more likely unwilling, to change the path that You are on.

The reason that I'm so worried, is because I've been there myself. I've walked that precarious slope that You are clinging to. I've been too stubborn to admit defeat and ask for help. I've been too stubborn to admit that I was wrong an apologize. Eventually, I turned myself around, but at what cost?? Certainly a lot more than I care to think about. There are years gone that I'll never get back.

And now, it seems that You are teetering on this same dark fate. Sad fact is that You have hurt me and broken my trust too many times for me to forgive. It looks like I must let you walk out on Your own, watch you face the demons that I know are lingering in the shadows (or sometimes not, sometimes they are disguised as beacons of hope) and hope that eventually, You will come back to your senses and realize what You've done.

Until then, I wish You the best and truly hope that Your journey is one that You will survive. I know that you will be wounded, but I pray that You will be able to come back to reality, likely scarred, but at least here.

Emotions

So, I walked the Relay for Life. What an emotional time. Thinking of the many family members lost. So glad for my father who's still with us. I was glad to have done it, and will be doing it again next year.

I wanted to thank the friends and family who donated. I wanted to thank the friends and family who wished they could donate but for whatever reason, were unable.

I also just want to say how much I miss you, Grandma and Grandpa F...and you, too, Grandma R....and how I wish I'd been able to meet Great-Grandma C, and Great-Auntie Margret.